When I was little, I was a very silly girl.
I don’t know why but I had it in my head that no one really loved me and that no one but my dog understood me. I’d cry to him and ask him why everyone didn’t understand me. I have no idea what led me to think this really, but I just did. My Dad would joke that he picked me up from a bin – to make me laugh – but of course I didn’t find it very funny. I took it very, very seriously. The world seemed to revolve around my brother and sister, and I just wondered why I was born.
Of course my parents didn’t know this, and if they did, they would have been very upset because I know now that they love me very, very much indeed. But I think such is the nature of little girls who are third in line, especially when your siblings are intellectual, talented and well, always doing all this good that you just can’t seem to replicate.
When my father first sent me away to the UK, the confused little girl somewhere deep inside me thought they were finally rid of me. I got very drunk at a friend’s party one night and blabbed it all out to my parents and broke down in tears. I don’t think I meant it, I don’t think I wanted to hurt them. It just came out because I was a stupid teenager full of angst and well, alcohol is like devil’s water that way.
I woke up the next morning with a stonking headache – and right smack in between my parents in their bed. I was seventeen. Oops!
Great. How did I get myself into this mess, I thought. But you know what, instead of getting the right bollocking I should have gotten, my folks asked me if I was really unhappy and if I wanted to come home. They told me they had sent me away so I could ‘find myself’ and if I was not enjoying myself, I could come straight home. That very moment, I felt like the greatest prick ever known to man. A really ungrateful prick. Of course I had to apologise and tell them I didn’t really feel this way, but I think this really affected my parents and it opened up a channel of communication I had never before known with them.
From then on, they always asked me if I was happy. They left me pretty much to my own devices and so I did actually find myself, and they never once dictated what I was supposed to do with my life. I chose my own path and tried to be as self-sufficient as I could. And it opened me up as a person and made me feel proud of being me, something I had never felt before.
I always say that the greatest gift my parents ever gave me was sending me away to experience the world and to find out who I truly was – And this is the honest to God’s truth, for I’d still be that lost little angsty girl who thought the whole world didn’t need her alive if it wasn’t for this big gift.
I’m not the most confident of people in the world but most people who know me now would think of me as fairly outgoing and sociable. What they can barely believe is who I was before I went away – a very insecure girl who always thought her friends didn’t really like her, who would freeze up if you left her in a room full of strangers alone, and who just thought she was an accident from the very beginning.
I don’t know who that girl is now.
I guess that’s why I don’t really have a regret in the world. All the things that have happened in life have led me to where I am now… And that place is one encircled with Love, be it by my husband, family or friends. Sure, we have our moments, but I truly truly am just so thankful for them. I no longer go through life questioning, crying or feeling like I need to run away. It’s odd, isn’t it? I have no idea why I was the way I was.
I hope I get to understand my daughter the way my parents figured me out. I hope I have it in me to identify what she needs to grow her the way they knew how. I’m sure they don’t really know what they did, but in my eyes, they sure did it right.
What a ramble.
And all because my sister gave me a gift tonight…. *tears*
to symbolize our new family
Ps: Jas, I still love my Nesting necklace you made me so don’t worry. This one is more like an everyday piece! =P