I’ve had an uneasy feeling in my gut for a long time now – And I don’t mean in the e-coli or Salmonella sense, but in the something’s-been-bothering-me type of way. But when your days are full and Time just isn’t on your side, there is a tendency to bury the indulgence of self-pity and focus on the tasks you have at hand.
This has pretty much been me at least for the past year since I got made redundant last September. At the start of the year, I moved into a new phase in my career, all whilst juggling the new Mum thing and trying to do a decent job at it. This holiday in Danang really made me stop and re-evaluate. Okay, so I didn’t really sit on a rock literally like Hubba but I did have moments of revelation which literally brought me to tears.
Who am I?
No, I’m not 24601.
We all define ourselves by our passions, our pastimes and the going-ons in our lives. In the past nine months, I’ve definitely placed my Mummy role as top priority. I’ve also tried my hand at a new industry whilst trying juggle this and it has not been easy. I’d be chugging full speed ahead at work, then I’d come home and overcompensate by putting in as many hours as I could as Mum. I was losing sleep, beating myself up with all the guilt, and wondering if I’d made the right choice in going back to my career.
Somewhere along the way, I feel like I lost myself. Between work and being a Mum, I forgot how to be Me.
I stopped working out, I stopped blogging, I stopped making non-Mummy plans over the weekends. I’d watch Hubba faff around with his bikes and pour over his bike magazines; my sister-in-law go crazy over her coffee machine, newfangled oven gadgets and baking techniques; my best friend getting more and more into her riding… And boy, have I been envious.
What do I have to call my own?
Who am I?
I’m still trying to work that one out.
But I know I need to do something about how I’m feeling ‘coz I feel deeply unsatisfied and I’m not happy about it. I mean I absolutely love being a Mum and wouldn’t have it any other way, but I’m still struggling to find that balance so I can also still be who I was before.
Does that make any sense?
I’ve spent a lot of the last couple of months feeling unwell but I think I’m finally coming out of the woods, so I think it’s time I look at how to spend some time on Me. I was getting really into my cycling again but I had to stop for various reasons, so I’ll need to take another look at my physical activities.
Maybe I’ll start hiking again. And I’m definitely going to write more often.
Feel free to share some tips if you’ve got any!